A Touch of Sarcasm

I want to be boastful today. I make no apologies for that if it offends other people.

I can do a better job that that fellow who heads Khazanah. He lost money. I can do a better job than that fellow who lost money in TNB. You have a monopoly, yet you still lose money. You are no different that the Ah Bengs who run the various GLCs. Are you an accountant? Just a bean counter. An engineer? Just a glorified pomen. An economist? Another who didn’t qualify as accountant.

The government says in 2008, Khazanah’s investment portfolio declined with the overall portfolio realisable asset value (RAV) at RM70.4bil as at Dec 31 against RM88.2bil at May 31. In simple terms we have lost RM 18 billion. You can always come up with some cock-and bull-reasoning such as “ it was in line with the sharp decline in asset values globally and domestically,”

Azman said. Azman is the boss of Khazanah. Another bean counter bites the dust.

TNB, formerly known by many names- CEB, NEB, LLN lost how much? RM944 million. It says it made RM 942million operating profit. Bagus lah tu Che. But then you also admitted you made a FOREX loss of RM1.439 billion. This means, your next loss is RM1.43b- RM 0.9b, plus all the other losses arising from other business inefficiencies, you are left with a loss of RM944.0 million.

You have the audacity to come up with a circuitous reasoning to say

“We have been affected not only by our exposure to a basket of foreign currency debt but also the higher cost of settling our coal and equipment purchases denominated in US dollars,’’ said TNB president/CEO Datuk Seri Che Khalib Mohamad Noh after announcing TNB’s financial results yesterday.

Gentlemen, we have reached a stage, where every layman in this country thinks he can run any GLC better than these fat cats. And they are probably right.

So I demand:-

The gomen of Pahang gives me 10, 000 acres of land in Pahang. I want to plant palm oil and other crops raise livestock or whatever. If I fumble, who cares, the GLCs in Pahang are not run properly too. I know I can do a better job than them.

Why the f**k should I be given the land? You can use the same reason as to how IOI got land in Pahang which once belonged to LKPP. The same reason how Berjaya got the Tioman Resort which once, again, belonged to LKPP. Shit. This LKPP keeps coming on my radar screen.

Where will you get the money to run the plantations? Why don’t you lend it to me? You have caused money to be given to PKNP to make wires in South Africa. PKNP lost almost RM200 million there. You have caused money to be given to PKNP to buy some decrepit brick making factories which the friendly Ah Chong say were good buys. Another RM 100 million gone.

Why wouldn’t you give me the land? You have given PASDEC, the land at the former transit quarters where I lived as a small boy. And what did PASDEC get? Only 16% of the value. Even the makcik in Kampung Jaya Gading negotiates for a 10:2.5 rate to develop her property. And here PASDEC agreed to get 16%.

So don’t hesitate, give me the 10,000 acres. You want me to submit a working paper to UPEN? No big deal. I will say I am using PFI. You know those people in UPEN are still struggling with this concept? Never mind, as long as in the end, the money comes from you. That, IS PFI. EPF got plenty of money what. It said it has RM360b and only a miniscule amount invested in real property. Ok, I will build one airport there within the 10,000 acres and maybe a heart centre. Maybe I will build a resort and spa there, no?

I also demand the Pahang gomen asked the Federal gomen to appoint me as the main contractor to build the airport at Labu. After that, I will parcel out all the small jobs to all class F contractors. I will also do it through a second lottery like lucky draw. If you want me to invite the DPM to officiate it, I will go to his house at Putrajaya. I am sure his ex ADUN can gain easier entry mindful of the fact that Saiful fellow was given one. Plus I don’t have to make the mamak ex sprinter my godmother, god sister or whatever. If Brunsfield can do it, I can too. Biasalah- I will appoint subcontractors who will appoint his subcontractor.

After that, even if I make losses, I am sure I can up with some fairytale reasoning. And I will remember to use the accountant’s reasoning to explain the losses. I end this article with a joke about accountants which I googled.

Accountant and farmer

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.

The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right.

The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees.

"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.

"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my DOG and I will tell you."

At last, I have solved the mystery why a sheep of a problem is explained by a dog of a reasoning.